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The way 5-year old kids interact is fascinating. They can be best friends, passionately dedicated to the relationship in a way that few adults could hope to achieve or maintain, yet when you see a group of young kids standing around in a circle having an in-depth conversation they are mostly just talking at each other. You rarely hear a follow-up question. They will wait just as long as necessary, itching to launch into their own anecdote, which is often unrelated to the original topic of discussion. These mini-people mime grown-up discussions while interrupting each and all waiting for their turn to speak, stuttering and stammering and hoping someone is actually listening.
These childish social growing pains are excusable. They're starting from scratch and actively learning how to interact, and they improve daily. However, while they grow and learn we adults are rapidly devolving into the same state that we find so awkward and comical in children. Social skills are gradually slipping through our fingers while we sink deeper into the quicksand that is social media, digital communication and tech addiction. Right before our eyes we see people who should know better getting worse at the subtleties of effective communication. We are losing what was once the most valuable currency in our society: charisma.
In the old days, the coolest person in the room wasn't the one who could make everyone else jealous with their impressive social media feed. It wasn't the person with the most luxurious vacation selfies or an impressive follower count. The admirable people weren't "influencers", they were influential. People were drawn to them, often in ways that were indescribable but unmistakable. You just wanted to be around them. They had it, and we didn't know what it was but we liked it. The magnetic charm that they had is called charisma, and it set them apart from the pack. It separated winners from losers, the popular from the ostracized. Strong social skills were like gold and those who had them could rule the world.
The antithesis of charisma is the modern tech-zombie, sitting at a restaurant with friends but staring at their phone the entire time. Instead of a witty anecdote or interesting story they will share a funny meme that they had no part in creating. Instead of being interesting or interested in others, they have grown accustomed to the world of entertainment and information that lives in their pocket and they lean on it. Like a tree grown indoors, having never faced forceful winds and never growing a strong root system, they crumble under the pressure of a momentary silence, running back to their Wi-Fi-enabled smart crutch. They are missing out on one action that can truly ingratiate you to others: being engaged in conversation and listening to what others have to say.
It should go without saying that looking people in the eye, asking them to elaborate on the things they tell you and bringing up things that they told you in previous conversations will go a long way in making you seem like a kind, thoughtful and interesting person, but unfortunately these days it does need to be said. Adults who grew up decades before this technology took hold are seeing their social muscles atrophy, and kids who have never known anything else aren't developing those muscles at all. There has been no incentive to develop charisma.
The most charismatic co-worker who I ever worked with treated every conversation like an interview, to the point where it felt odd in contrast to the typical lukewarm office interactions. You'd be taken aback by a random question about whether or not you had many cousins who lived near you and if you were close to them, because last week you had mentioned you didn't see your siblings often. He wanted to know about your family, where you grew up, your childhood pets, what kind of person you used to be and who you hoped to be. The answers to these questions were logged for next time, and he'd surprise you by bringing up details you never thought he'd remember. He was all eye-contact and follow-up questions and never mumbled "oh wow..." while looking down at his phone. While he was admittedly trying to avoid doing any actual work, he was funny, interesting and exciting to be around, and absolutely everyone loved his thoughtful and engaging nature.
Another case study in likeability and charisma is the world of authors, YouTubers and podcasters. Characters like Malcolm Gladwell, Tim Ferriss and Joe Rogan have made an incredible array of diverse guests feel at ease, and have hooked their audiences of millions with their charm and charisma. Their collective superpowers are simple: asking questions, making eye contact, engaging with their guests and interjecting with topical anecdotes when it doesn't derail the momentum of the conversation. And in this new era of hyper-connected loneliness and and anti-social media decaying our ability to empathize in person, just extending the kindness of actually listening to people feels revolutionary. Rather than staring into space and waiting for their chance to talk about themselves, like our 5-year old friends often do, they are confident enough to put their ego on the backburner and point the spotlight squarely on their guest. These personalities are beloved by millions for a reason. They make people feel comfortable and they lift up those around them.
Listening intently and being engaged with another human being can also be a lifesaving act of kindness in a world where the average person reports feeling lonelier than ever before. You can never know who around you is struggling to cope with trauma, depression or the overwhelming pressures of modern life, but we do know that there are more of them now than in any time in history. And when someone is at their lowest, feeling insignificant while drowning in a social media feed full of wealthy, attractive superstars, it can mean the world to have a real person look them in the eye and be curious about them. They might not have been asked about themselves for months or even years and that miniscule hint that someone in the world cares to know about them could re-ignite their will to carry on. Countless victims of suicide have left behind messages of feeling invisible or that nobody on Earth would even miss them because nobody cared while they were alive. Making it a personal policy to engage with others in a thoughtful and curious way has the potential to change or even save lives, and could pull someone back from the brink of despair by simply asking questions and listening to the answers.
Actively cultivating charisma can also have major positive impacts on your personal and professional lives, so if kindness and altruism aren't selling you on the idea then maybe ambition will. When you exercise your charisma muscles people will like you more. People will want to be around you, they will look forward to being in your presence and they will want to do you favors. Imagine a job interview where the interviewee looks the interviewer right in the eye, smiles, responds to questions and asks engaging follow-ups. They're getting that job, even if for no other reason than they have made the interviewer like them. A cynic might brand it manipulative but the results are more important than the intentions. Put others first and make them feel a real connection with you and they will like you, respect you and lift you up when they get the chance.
Be interesting and be interested, smile and listen and genuinely give a shit about the people around you - and stay off your damn phone - and you'll see doors open for you. You'll learn from the people around you, develop strong social bonds and ingratiate yourself to everyone you contact. And stop talking about yourself all the time! You (presumably) aren't 5 years old and you aren't going impress anyone by begrudgingly sitting through their story until it's your turn to speak, and you aren't going to win any popularity contests with your head in your Instagram feed while a friend pours their heart out to you. In the end people rarely remember specific conversations or anecdotes but they remember how someone made them feel. And when you are gone you don't want your loved ones to remember you for those hilarious memes you shared on your Facebook feed. They'll remember that you listened when they were hurting and put the phone away until it was no longer competing with real people.
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